Coldplay has officially announced their new world tour, “Music for People Who Still Think Feelings Are Deep,” a heartfelt journey for those who cry during car ads and call sunsets “profound.”
Frontman Chris Martin promised the shows will be “an immersive emotional experience” featuring glowing wristbands, recycled tears, and at least three songs that sound exactly like Fix You, but wetter.
Tickets go on sale next week, with special VIP packages including:
The Existential Lawn Seat: comes with a complimentary sigh.
The Deluxe Empath Experience: you get to stand on stage and apologise to everyone for capitalism.
The Chris Martin Ultra Feel Pass: where the band personally stares into your soul for 30 minutes while playing one note on a piano.
Fans have already taken to social media to express their excitement, writing things like “Coldplay’s music cured my depression, then gave it back but prettier” and “finally, an event where I can cry and call it culture.”
Critics have described the band’s new single, “Softer Than Ever Before”, as “a stunning reminder that feelings still exist — mostly in Spotify algorithm form.”
The tour is expected to gross millions, as thousands of thirty-somethings who once owned feather earrings and journaled about the moon will gather under pastel lighting to feel something, anything, one last time.
