Dick Cheney (1941–2025)
“The man who couldn’t die — until he finally did.”
Dick Cheney has officially logged off after 84 years of war crimes, pacemaker upgrades, and undisclosed locations. The former Vice President leaves behind a complex legacy: part patriotism, part plutonium.
He had six heart attacks, one new heart, and zero regrets — proving once and for all that power does have a pulse, even if it’s mechanical.
His funeral will be held somewhere “classified,” with a 21-drone salute and Halliburton-branded casket handles.
Mocktopus Verdict:
The man who shot his friend and invaded two countries has finally gone to meet his maker — or possibly just filed an appeal.
(Mission accomplished… for real this time.)
