In what experts are calling “the most Australian solution to mortality since the sausage sizzle fundraiser,” one local council has unveiled its latest innovation in sustainable farewells — the Electric Scooter Hearses.
Dubbed “The Final Glide,” the eco-friendly hearse is powered by lithium batteries and “a deep sense of moral superiority.” Council officials claim it will revolutionise the funeral industry by offering “a guilt-free commute to eternity.”
“Your journey to the afterlife shouldn’t leave a carbon footprint,” said the council’s Sustainability Director, moments before the prototype ran out of charge halfway up a hill.
The scooters feature a built-in Bluetooth speaker that plays whale sounds and Ed Sheeran’s “Photograph” on loop, as mourners trail behind on share bikes and e-scooters — creating what witnesses have described as “a parade of grief and traffic violations.”
Critics have raised safety concerns after early trials resulted in several “low-speed casket tumbles” near roundabouts. Council, however, insists these are “teething issues” and that the deceased “would’ve wanted to go viral one last time.”
An optional premium package includes:
Solar-powered coffin handles
A biodegradable helmet for the deceased
And a complimentary QR code on the urn linking to their final TikTok.
Mocktopus Verdict: Nothing says modern Australia like merging climate policy with the afterlife. Next week, we review the reusable coffin-share program — “BYO ashes, no late fees.”
