Breaking news: ALDI Christmas trees have hit shelves — and hit rock bottom.
They’re the only trees that come pre-depressed. Half pine, half tumbleweed, all disappointment. You don’t “decorate” an ALDI tree; you negotiate with it.
These things shed more than your dog in summer. Blink twice and half your tinsel’s on the floor, the other half’s caught in the world’s saddest plastic branch that smells faintly of despair and budget pine-scent spray.
Sure, it’s only $12.99 — but so is regret.
Merry Crisis, everyone. 
